Cristina's Blog

12/25/09: Before the day began I dropped to my knees by my bedside in Brian’s old room at his parent’s house. I asked the Lord to give me strength to make it through the day. All I wanted for Christmas was for my husband to come back.

It was a beautiful morning as the snow was falling and covering the trees, making it look like winter wonderland! We gathered together in the kitchen to pray over our meal. I couldn’t help but get emotional because this was the first Christmas that Brian was not by my side. After we prayed we had a lovely meal. Shortly after we moved into the living room to open up presents.

We were showered with beautiful gifts and had a wonderful time being together. At the end of the gift giving the girls and I were left with four similar boxes. Chloe opened up her box first and in it was an adorable soft teddy bear. She pushed the paw and out came her daddy’s voice! The girls kept playing their daddy’s recordings over and over again! Chloe looked up at me and asked with all sincerity, “Did daddy send the teddy bears from heaven?” I couldn’t help but tell her, “Yes! He sure did. He loves you that much!”

When it came time for me to open up my gift from Brian I was a little nervous because I knew I would be overwhelmed with emotion when I heard his voice. I pushed the bear’s paw and out came Brian’s voice telling me how much he loved me and wished he could be there with me. I played it over and over again and cried like a baby. I said outloud, “This by far is my favorite Christmas gift!” The girls and I will forever cherish our bears sent straight from heaven! Thanks Daddy!

12/23/09 : Today Angelica turned three!  She desired more than anything for her daddy to come to her birthday party…with that in mind I had a very big surprise for her! It was a very emotional day for me because Brian was not there to celebrate our daughter’s birthday. Angelica and Brian had a very special bond with each other. He would get a twinkle in his eyes when he looked at her.

There was quite a large crowd at Angelica’s birthday. As she looked out at everyone while they were singing ‘Happy Birthday’ I am sure she was looking for her daddy. When it came time for her to make a wish I knew what her wish was without even having to ask. She wished for her daddy! 

I couldn’t help but let the tears flow as I watched my precious daughter blow out her candles. I desired more than anything to give her the gift she longed for. My heart ached that she did not have her father at her birthday. The realization came to me that each of my girls would have to go through this year after year.

After Angelica opened up her gifts I decided that it was time to give her the gift she longed for… I asked for everyone’s attention to go to the big screen. All of a sudden Brian appeared and was singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Angelica! As I looked over at her she was locked into her daddy and I could see her heart melt as her birthday wish came true… her daddy came to her birthday! Wishes really do come true!!!

12/20/09-1/1/09: We plan to spend the Holidays in Minnesota with our family. If you could please lift our family up in prayer during this time we would greatly appreciate it. Christmas will not be the same without Brian being with us. Also, Brian’s birthday is January 1st. It will be a tough one, but I know that the grace of God will be there to get us through it. Thanks again for being part of our journey. We love and appreciate you!

12/19/09: Today is our last full day in Florida for this trip. As I look back at the past few months we have been here I am in awe of what the Lord has done. The girls and I were able to reconnect and have times together that I will forever cherish in my heart. It was a time of healing and a time of refreshing after being through so much with my precious husband. I felt like I could finally live again and enjoy life with my three adorable girls. When Brian was sick it was difficult for me to enjoy life. We will forever miss Brian and talk about him daily, but we must go on and not forget to live life to the fullest because that is what Brian would want us to do.

12/14/09: My in-law’s arrived today and we spent time at the pool together.

All three girls can officially swim! My dear friend Rachel has been dedicated to coming every week to teach my girls how to swim. It has been a priceless gift to receive. The girls absolutely love the water and can’t get enough of it.

12/13/09: My last night out with the wonderful friends that I have made in Florida. I have met a handful of women that I feel were sent from God to help me through this time in my life. They welcomed the girls and me into their homes and loved on us as if we have always been part of their lives. We will miss each of them very much as we venture home to the cold weather!

12/12/09: Chloe, Kelsey (her cousin), my sister and I were on Chloe’s bed. It was time to say our prayers before bedtime. Chloe began her prayer by saying, “Thank you God for this wonderful day.” Before I knew it she was saying the pledge of the allegiance! My sister and I did everything we could to not laugh, but we did not succeed. She kept saying it over and over until we quit laughing. It made it even more difficult to not burst out into laughter because of the anticipation of what she was about to say. She eventually made it through her prayer and we all said, “Amen!”

12/9/09: My sister arrived with her three children and we had a wonderful time at the beach, pool, shopping and just hanging out as a family. I feel so blessed that God has given me such a beautiful family. My sister and I spent many hours crying and laughing about Brian and our life together. Talking about Brian and some of the hardships that I am going through was so good for me. I needed to get all of my inner thoughts and emotions out on the table and it was cleansing to my soul. I am grateful to have a sister to share life with.

12/8/09: Katie and I decided to take the girls out to dinner after a long day at the beach. After dinner was over I looked over at Angelica and she had fallen asleep sitting up. Before I knew it she fell over!

12/6/09: My life long friend Katie joined us in sunny Florida for a few days. We decided to join up with my in-laws in Orlando. We took the two older girls, Chloe and Angelica to Disney World. We had a wonderful time together as a family. There were a few times I began to cry because I wished more than anything that Brian was with us to experience this magical moment with our children. Watching the girls take everything in was truly amazing. Magic Kingdom was extra special with all of the festivities and it was exactly what we needed as a family.

<11/26/09: Thanksgiving Day was the first holiday that I Brian was not with us. I cried for a good hour in bed and yelled out from the depths of my heart, “Brian why did you have to leave me?” I felt so alone and empty. I was wishing that he would walk through the door and make the pain go away. The realization hit even deeper as each minute passed by knowing that he would never be part of my life again. I would forever have to base my love for him on memories; which seem so distant because of how long he was sick for.

I called my parents and asked for prayer. As my mother was praying for me I began to cry out like a little child, “Jesus, please help me.” As I humbled myself before Him I felt a sense of peace and comfort come over my soul. Do I understand why Brian is no longer with us? Absolutely not! But I do trust in knowing that God is in control and He has a mighty plan for our lives.

We ended up having a wonderful Thanksgiving and I felt God’s love wrapped around the girls and I. Thank you for your prayers!

11/26/09: Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you have a wonderful time with your family and friends. We are going to be celebrating Thanksgiving with our dear friends Mark and Zoila Revak in Naples, Florida. It will be our first holiday without our dear Brian. He will be missed…

The following is a scripture I have been meditating on:

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV)

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

I encourage you to give thanks to God for your life and the blessings you have.

The Lord continues to connect me with women in the community. I love to minister and use my story to help others. I see God’s hand at work and it excites me for what God has in store for the future!

11/25/09: For the past couple of days Angelica has been having a hard time with being happy. Today I sat her down and said, “Angelica, you have so much to be thankful for. You have your eyes that can see. Your ears and legs work. You are healthy and in no pain. Your daddy would want you to be happy and turn that smile upside down!”

I think in life we sometimes have to dwell on what is gong right in our lives rather than what is going wrong. We do have a lot to be happy about regardless of our circumstances.

Julia took off walking on her own and she hasn’t stopped! I couldn’t help but wish that Brian was able to be part of this moment. However, I was so grateful that he was able to watch her first steps before he went to heaven. It gave me comfort visualizing him watching Julia walk around the condo from above. He would be so proud!

11/23/09: At breakfast I was talking to the girls about Christmas. Chloe said, “Mom, we are going to have to talk to Santa because he might not know that daddy is up in heaven. We need to tell him not to bring daddy gifts.” I am always amazed at what comes out of her mouth.

11/22/09: We made gingerbread houses at the clubhouse. The dining room was filled with the Christmas spirit. When I heard the Christmas music and saw the Christmas tree my heart began to sadden. While I was decorating the gingerbread houses with the girls I began to cry. I couldn’t help, but wish Brian was part of this moment in the girls’ lives.

I did get a few laughs as Chloe was sneaking candies in her mouth while decorating her house and Julia was stripping Angelica’s house of all its decorations! My girls have been such a breath of fresh air to me.

11/19-11/21: My friend’s Nancy and Amy came to visit me from Chicago. We had a wonderful time together taking the girls to the pool and beach. It is a lot easier doing things when I have a few extra hands to help me! You should have seen the three of us giving the girls showers after the beach. We were awesome! It sure beats doing it by myself.

11/10-11/18: My mom came to be with us girls and we had a blast. She is such a blessing to our lives. I honestly believe I have the best mom in the whole world. She has taught me how to love and give.

I have been inspired by others to continue writing about my journey and this new chapter in life after the death of Brian. I will be posting entries about my life with my three little girls and inspirational messages to help you appreciate the gift of life each day. I hope you will find my blog to be an encouragement to you. Thank you for choosing to be part of our lives.

 Much love and appreciation,

Cristina

Below I have summarized the last month since Brian’s death.

11/05/09:  Today marks one month since Brian passed away. It is hard to believe he has been gone for an entire month. The girls and I went to pick up balloons at the grocery store. When we arrived a very nice woman said to the girls, “I bet your daddy is building you a house up in heaven and I bet it is going to take him a very long time. I am sure that is why he had to go there early to make it extra special for you girls.” I though that was pretty neat!

When the gentleman asked the girls what color they wanted of course they said, “Pink!” Later that evening we went to a beautiful garden with a gorgeous fountain. We were the only ones there which made it extra special. As each girl was holding their balloon I explained, “It has been one month since daddy went to be with Jesus in heaven so that is why we got these balloons. We always want to remember daddy and let him know we are thinking about him. So we are going to release these balloons up to daddy in heaven. I know that daddy will know they are from us because he knows how much we love the color pink!”

As we released our balloons the girls yelled out, “I love you daddy!” We held each other as we watched the balloons soar higher and higher into the sky until we couldn’t see them anymore. Afterwards we laid on the grass and looked up to the star filled sky and talked to daddy. We shared with him all of our favorite memories and expressed our love to him. It was a very special moment for us girls as we made a beautiful memory together honoring their father.

The Lord has blessed us with a babysitter that comes to our place and watches the girls for a few hours a day so I can run errands or have some alone time. One day I went for a jog and began to have the urge to talk to Brian! I went on a trail that led me to a grass maze. I walked over to it and laid down, looked up to the beautiful blue sky and began to share my heart with Brian. It was something I needed to do…

I am continuously seeing God’s hand at work in each day. Are there hard days for me? Most certainly! Do I want to scream sometimes because I am overwhelmed? Yes! Being a single mom of three adorable little, busy and demanding girls isn’t an easy task sometimes. However, it is giving me the opportunity to rely on God once again to get me through each and everyday.

I wake up and ask God to be my husband, friend, strength and protector. Also, I ask Him to be the father of my children since He says in the Bible that He is a father to the fatherless.  I asked Chloe one night if she was sad that she didn’t have a daddy anymore. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Mom, I do have a daddy. Jesus is my daddy now since dad is in heaven.”

In life I have realized that we have a choice how we look at it. Each person can view the same exact glass as half empty or half full. I purpose in my heart to look at all of the blessings that surround me rather than what is lacking in my life. I anticipate what God is going to do next in our lives! I desire to make the most of each day. After watching Brian suffer for over two years, not being able to enjoy the simplicity of life I feel honored that I can even get up in the morning without pain, walk and breathe.

When I get sad I am reminded that Brian wanted me to be happy more than anything else. I have my moments where I cry out of nowhere or I get frustrated because he is not here anymore, but I know that I know everything is going to be okay. I know that God has a bright future for us and He is directing our steps. I believe that I will be stronger and more dependent on God than ever before.

My heart’s desire is to someday take my life experiences and share them with the world to help people appreciate life, depend on God and never give up no matter how bad the storm may be. With God all things are possible!

For those of you that would like to know what our plans are for the future… We will be staying in Florida until December 20^th and flying to Minnesota to spend Christmas with our families. We will be making the trip back to Chicago to bring in the New Year with our friends! It will be a very special day not only because it is the beginning of a new year with much to anticipate, but also Brian’s birthday is January 1^st.

Once we get settled into our home Chloe and Angelica will be going to school and I will be adjusting to being back in our home. It will have been seven months since we have been home. I have all of Brian’s belongings to go through and will have to make some changes.  Thinking about going home without Brian makes me sad, but I know it is something that we need to do, especially for the girls. Chicago is home to us. The best part of it all is that we can all sleep in our own beds!

My plan is to finish out the school year in Chicago and then we will see what God has in store for our future…I feel like this is a new chapter in my life and I am in a place where God can do anything with it. I am just waiting on Him to see what that is…

 I send you my love and appreciation for being part of our lives.

10/22-11/04:  We have been enjoying ourselves in beautiful Florida. I love that the sun is always out and the weather is perfect. I can’t describe to you how wonderful it feels to have my girls all to myself. Yes, it has its challenges being a single mom, but I love taking care of them. We have been having a blast with choosing what activities we are going to do each day whether it is going to the pool, park, beach or on a play date with the new friends we meet! Also, I have been enjoying cooking for the girls and having family dinners at the table, something that has been lacking for a very long time.

I think my favorite part of each day is bedtime. We snuggle up on bed. Chloe and Angelica pick a side and lay on my chest while I read them bedtime stories. Afterwards we each take a turn sharing what our favorite part of the day was. It is precious to hear what comes out of their mouths. We end our time together talking to God. The girls take turns and it blesses me when they talk directly from their hearts to God. Chloe often says, “God, make sure you take care of my daddy. Tell him I love him and miss him. I will try to help my mom since she doesn’t have a husband anymore. I love you Jesus, Amen!”

We were blessed to be able to go to the Siesta Keys for a few days to hang out with our dear friend Carla and her parents. They had a condo that was right on the beach. We had a blast playing in the water and sand. It was breathtaking watching the sunset! I was wishing that Brian was able to watch it with me. We used to kiss when the sun was setting! As I looked out at the sky I was pondering the beautiful memories we had together.

The girls and I keep Brian alive in our hearts by mentioning him each day. I make sure to frequently ask the girls questions to ensure they are doing okay. Chloe and I have had some tear jerker moments when she has expressed how sad it makes her heart that daddy isn’t here anymore. She reminds me that daddy told her that he would always be in her heart and that makes her feel better. She is quite the young girl.

Also, another beautiful time we have had together was when we were biking to the park. It is quite the site to see when I am biking because I have Angelica and Chloe in the bike carrier and Julia behind me on a bike seat! This particular time we were singing songs having a grand time. Then we decided to share our favorite times that we had with daddy. Chloe had many things to say such as, “I loved the time he brought me to work all by myself, without Angelica! He even brought me to Mc Donald’s. He used to throw me up in the air and read me bedtime stories.” As she was going on and on I began to choke up because those would be the only memories she would have. Also I realized Angelica and Julia would have none. I made a decision that day to keep their daddy alive by talking about him and making him part of them.

One day we were at the pool and we saw a beautiful butterfly. A thought came to me that I shared with the girls, “Every time we see a butterfly that is a sign daddy is watching over us!” I could tell that brought the girls a sense of comfort knowing daddy was watching over them. The girls love it at the pool. Chloe and Angelica wear floaties and Julia is fearless when it comes to water.  I never have a dull moment!

My favorite times are when we go the beach. The girls and I play in the sand making sand castles, walking along the water, chasing the birds, jumping in the waves and eating lunch together. Enjoying the simplicity of life with my girls is all I can ask for!

10/10-10/18:  I had it on my heart to go to Florida after everything was finalized to be with my girls. You have to realize that my top priority for the past two and a half years has been devoting my life to Brian. I sacrificed my time with the girls so that I could be everything that Brian needed me to be. I knew that I would have the rest of my life to live with the girls, but was uncertain of my time with Brian. With that being said I have had several wonderful family and friends help me raise my girls.  

 As soon as Brian was no longer here for me to take care of all I could think about was reconnecting with my girls, being their mommy. I wanted to do the simple things such as: tucking them in at night, feeding, dressing and bathing them. Just me! I wanted them for once to have consistency and stability. I yearned to give that to them. Also, we needed to have a place of refuge to go to after all we have been through. We booked a flight for the following Sunday.

 I had several things to get done before I left Minnesota. It was a lot to get done in such a short amount of time, but by the grace of God we finished everything we needed to. I think the two things that were the biggest challenges for me were going to Brian’s parents place for the first time and to my parent’s lake home. As I drove into my in-law’s driveway I asked God for the grace to make it through the front door. I had so many memories with Brian there that I figured it would be very emotional. When I was greeted by Mark and Martha with open arms I immediately felt like I was home again. There was no sense of awkwardness. In fact I ended up extending my stay there and slept 16 hours straight because I was exhausted. Mark and Martha’s place will always be a place called “home” to the girls and me.

 The second challenge for me was going back to my parent’s lake home where I spent the last days of Brian’s life with him and where he took his last breath. I was amazed at how well I did when I walked in the house. I think what helped me the most was that my precious friend Carla had a gorgeous bouquet of flowers with huge lilies (my favorite flower) waiting for my arrival. Also, I had my friend Larissa by my side to hold me.

 I had two days to pack up everything we had there (two truck loads of things from our place in Chicago) to store in the carriage house until we returned from Florida. Also I had to pack our suitcases for our trip to sunny Florida. A lot to do but I was determined to get it all done so I could leave. With the help of my parents we accomplished everything I wanted to.

 10/18/09: The girls and I flew with Grandma Martha to her place in Naples, Florida. Her and Mark were gracious enough to let us stay at their place for a few months so the girls and I could have some quality time together. Mark and Martha have displayed such love and devotion to us Baker girls.  Martha was a saint and got us girls settled in and then left Thursday.